39
Ive been trying to name my feelings when I wasnt sleeping through depressive episodes during this september and I think the best I can do for now is shocked.
Im shocked at where I am in life, not that I had any idea that I would be here, I didnt think I would reach 40 because of the complicated life Ive lived, so I never planned past 35 and when 35 got here, I was in my second year of disability.
Now Im having to go back to the drawing board and try to figure out what next. Ive only started coming to terms with how dysfunctional my childhood was and how my relationship with my parents didnt positively contribute to anything I experienced and after raising myself, Im still raising my baby brother because they have all but given up on him, Im happy I can catch him but what was going to be the plan if I were not here?
Yesterday I was remembering how, for as long as I can remember, my mother always told me that she was expecting me to be able to handle everything she needed done when she died, it felt like an honour until I realised that she was burdening me with the final act of existence and yet she didnt trust me to do anything else right but since we dont have a relationship anymore, Im sure she has made alternative arrangements on who gets to inherit her earthly burdens. And yet whenever I told her about an aspiration or a dream, she would remind me that I should look at her and her money to get whatever I thought I wanted and its only now that Im working through those emotions and trying to move on and dream within the possibilities, the world tells me that anything is possible and I am hoping my possibilities find me before I give up on myself. its hard
This is hard to speak about because I never imagined a life without a living mother, even when we were at our most disagreeable, so Im chasing 40 without having a mother to ask about things that I might experience, people will tell you about how much of a fountain of wisdom their parents were and I cant say that, Ive had to raise my parents and live with their bad decisions, now Im trying to unlearn making bad decisions, seeing as Ive managed to not drastically harm myself in the process of growing up.
I could go into a whole rant about all the things that are wrong with my life and what my idea of 40 is, what my idea of life is etc but I think I will stick to the shock and try to make sense of the senselessness of time.
Im alive, my kid is happy and healthy and my brother is supportive and present, my friends are loving, kind and generous and I dont think anything else matters after that.
To 39