What a year 2022 turned out to be, a lot happened and a lot didnt happen, Im learning to accept that such is life.
The year started well, I was feeling positively hopeful, I mean we were still masked and getting “comfortable” with covid, we werent afraid of touching each other anymore, the terror we lived with in 2020 and 2021 had significantly decreased and I thought that the lessons and experiences we went through as a people would make us better, lets just say being wrong is very humbling.
This was the year that real reconciliations happened too, more people travelled to meet up with other family members that they had neglected due to various reasons and it dawned on me that I dont have blood family that I felt the need to see who wasnt in close proximity to me, where I live. Estrangement is a very conflicted space to live in however meeting and talking to others who have managed to live and thrive without the burden of harmful family, confirmed that even in moments of doubt, I must always remember that I did the best thing choosing myself.
I also worked under the assumption that because the covid peak years were so “inclusive” in the conversations, that it would continue years later, so the work from home opportunities that felt never ending all disappeared, I again thought I was over reacting because the paid writing work has dropped by about 80% if not more, so its really been a year of pitching and getting no responses, which after 2yrs of having stable writing work, is both depressing and disheartening. I figure people are also tired of being reminded that their ableism is back in action and if there is another thing I learnt, is that allies only ally when you promise not to back chat, its almost as if all oppression is connected (s/c). Im almost shocked at how many offers of free work I get though, people understood that they could work from home and get paid but I couldnt ask for the same in 2022, stranger things.
My daughter grew a year older, she is adjusting to being a teenager, with a life and plans and I was holding her the other night& I wondered if my mother ever felt the joy/terror/pride of realising that her baby girl is not a small baby anymore & if it made her wish i wasnt growing or a girl at all. Raising her makes me re examine a lot of my growing experiences and I often wonder if Im finding it “easier” because I am not her full time guardian and there is no getting over the guilt, about time and availability and mobility. The realisation that there is no getting the time back is another constant and the worry and fear that the future wont really bridge the gap, its self indulgent to worry about myself, Im aware of it but i sometimes cant help it and it is a conversation I cant really have without feeling like I am not expressing myself adequately enough to elaborate what it really feels like. I can only hope that the future is kinder to both of us, goodness knows I didnt have her with the intention of giving her away, I actually wanted to understand how mothering works because my mother was a very interesting person to grow up around, for lack of a better word. There was selfishness in the decision making, as Ive always said, parenting is a vanity project. My one niece actually reached out, she is growing up so quickly and its also another relationship I want to fix, children shouldnt have to apologize to adults and I could have handled our relationship better but Im glad she reached out and wants me in her life. I know she is aware of the tension, its hard to miss and the discussions about my estrangement come up at least once in a while, Im assuming (also family gossips and nobody likes victimizing themselves like my mother).
Being a mother in almost her 40s, making choices about my daily life, makes me question what better choices my mother had and why she made the ones that she did and one day I will stop apologizing to others for not being in contact with family and feeling the need to apologize for being unable to relate, it is what it is.
Made a few friendships, lost a few, fell in love at least twice (lol), getting my heart semi broken was a needed reminder that I still exist in a realm of wanting to be accepted and wanted, I got suspended from my favourite dating app, the others are okay but they are just not as interesting …. for lack of a better word. And living your politics is very costly, i see why so many shape shift, the discomfort of being honest with yourself gets too much, I miss being delusionally ignorant.
I flew a few times to joburg, loved the hotels and the experience of watching my body evolve and heal in other ways has also been another journey, got invited to a few conferences and missed out on a trip to Kenya because my passport application wasnt captured, my brothers was though, the passport is ready but Im still bitter so they can keep it for now. I also learnt not to eat on the plane, I ate on the plane on one of my trips and was down for 7days after, being unemployed has its benefits because I could be sick without worrying about being fired, I want to say small mercies but Im too poor to appreciate it right now. I thought I had outgrown shame but having to ask the internet for incontinence pads once in a while brought a new level of wanting to crawl out of my skin I never knew existed, I thought being seen losing control of my bladder in public was hard, life went lower I fear, its the recession and whatever else, I know, still doesnt make it any lesser shameful.
Ive started writing in shorter form, like just a pageful of words at a time, thanks to a notebook I was gifted by a friend, I keep hoping that one day I might send it off somewhere and have it accepted, I still dream of being a big published writer, now if I could get to the writing and stop wanting the earth to swallow me, one day it might take me up on my dare.
Anyways, enough morbid things, the upside? Sex, oh my goodness, I want to say covid made people curious but people are feeling very adventurous out there hey, its also a good thing because they realised that they might die at any time & all the things they were denying themselves might never happen again, let me tell you, I have been fucking for years but this year? Exceptional.
So i guess it wasnt all bad, i can remember all the shocking orgasms, I know Im going to get to a point where I dont care about sex anymore but while its here? Im glad I made a way to heal myself and discovered how evolved my body can really get and to be honest, f*cking through a depressive year was not a bad deal.
Ive been trying to write my yearly shame letter to the president about disability inclusion, i am reading through disability rights literature and once in a while I regret that my life is where it is because Im disabled but I am glad my life is here because Im disabled, learning was something I thought I had missed out on by not going to university and now I realise that if I knock on enough doors, somebody might have a book for me to read.
Anyway, i hope I can update one more time before year end and when I do, it wont read like an emotional breakdown.
I also experienced my first squirting session, Im still surprised it happened and Im trying to get over how horrified i felt when it happened because I had sworn that it couldnt happen to me, when i tell you my body is healing.
Now to hope that my 8th year as a disabled woman is less dramatic and more fruitful, winning the lottery would bang.
Happy Disability Rights Awareness Month