“table for two?”
“for one please, im alone today” I catch myself responding to this so frequently I don’t even think about it anymore, Alone, single, by myself
I never used to think there would be a time when I am alone whether be it in a restaurant or in a clinic ward, I always thought there will always be somebody with me and they will be there out of choice and want, so it struck me as very painful when I was last at the clinic for my physio check up and as I looked around the room, I was the only Black woman and I also was the only one who was alone with the clinic staff for support and conversation.
The state of being by one’s self shouldn’t make us uncomfortable, unless you are part of a multiple, when you are born you are coming into the world alone however there are hands and faces to welcome you into your new existence and although some may fade away with time, the ones that held you often are the ones you can depend on, those are the ones you learnt how to exhale while being held by them, so what happens when you are estranged with those who were so joyful to receive you and to be a part of your existence?
According to the many studies that have been conducted, Black women are often left to raise children alone, most likely not to get married and when they get sick, women get left by partners and friends, leaving them to navigate the world by themselves with the surety that they will manage just fine, after all, we are used to being alone
Its hard to fight the stats when the odds and history has shown to be ggainst you and while the world is expecting us to “strong Black woman” through it, we hardly ever talk about the deep and often heartbreaking sadness that comes with being alone because society expects you to be and they do nothing to accommodate you, once you have understood the assignment and left it alone, there will be somebody who comes and asks you “but don’t you get lonely?”
We do, what are we supposed to do with the lonely? Everybody knows that loneliness is a thing and we navigate it once or many times in our lives and whether society intends to remind us that we aren’t really meant to be alone, we just convinced ourselves that its easier and safer that way, we can never win.
I was sitting at a restaurant in December waiting for a plane to Joburg, my first in 3yrs as a wheelchair user and I had everything packed and prepared, including my emergency joint,incase I needed to light one up for whatever reason & I waited for the menu to be brought to my table while watching the world go on around me, I noticed that I was one of 2 disabled people on the whole floor and I was the only one who was sitting by herself with no company or support, I ordered my coffee and stared into it until it got cold, dazed by the awareness that even during the most festive time of the year, I was by myself and I couldn’t even find it in me to feel sorry for myself, this is what being alone means after all.
I recently flew up to Joburg again and this time my baby brother was with me so I wasn’t navigating the airport alone & as I went past security clearance by myself and I tried to carry my bags on my lap while fumbling through the awkward body search, I realised that almost everybody had a partner or a travelling companion, mine was the assistant who was helping me with my wheelchair to get on the plane & she pulled her board out, looked at my ticket and asked me with concern in her voice “are you going by yourself?”
“yes, im an independent woman” I responded with a giggle in my voice, It often helps with the second hand embarrassment and discomfort that people tend to feel when I confirm that yes, I am indeed alone.
Post my disability I was single for 4yrs and I knew I missed company & companionship, I wanted intimacy and feared that I wouldn’t be received kindly since I wasn’t able bodied anymore, it has had its ups and downs & 6yrs into my disability Im now in a space secure enough to withstand the disregard and often insults that come with being on dating apps, its been quite and experience but what I wasn’t prepared for, was how enthusiastic people would seem, until it was time to show up when I really asked them to, often wanting to negotiate with me on how my loneliness dictates to be treated by them & when I don’t play along or I express my displeasure, then its back to square one, being left alone.
It should scare me that people find it so easy to leave but it breaks my heart even more that when I meet people, its with an understanding that one day they will leave, whether it be because they suddenly hate my voice or realise I wont change my mind about not wanting children or about the rules of engagement or my disability, so I am always looking behind them and understanding that i shouldn’t take it personally when I get left, it happens to everybody and this might come across as a “trauma response”, I just think its an awareness that makes all of us uncomfortable so its easier to box it, makes it easier to manage.
I love love, ive been chasing love since I realised that it was the one thing I could have as many times as I want and the value doesn’t diminish just because I love many, there is a different kind of love for every phase in my life that I have been in and currently I am in the alone phase of the love& trying to redefine it for myself & what love while disabled should look like, without giving all of myself up in the hopes that it will be enough to make up for my lack of mobility.
Negotiating acceptance, or a semblance of it, we all do that, I would like to believe and lately I have been asking myself if I am giving too much of myself, what I think is worth giving and how many times I am willing to try, we are always reminded that there is more love and I believe it, its just something I am now trying to see if I can commit to it. Love needs commitment and I don’t think it would be fair if I did this half heartedly the umpteenth time around, I strongly believe I had a near death experience in 2016 and since then, Ive realised that I am worthy of so much more, I want to know what butterflies are like again and I think Im deserving of that, because Im human before anything else
I think I wanted to end this with something else but Im tired so I will continue the conversation another time, when Im not distracted by capitalism