Im going through changes yet again in my life, nothing major, just heart matters and trying to make sense of life.
I realised the other day that I am turning 40 in a year’s time and I have been having uncomfortable conversations with myself and others about my age, what i havent achieved and how far i am behind materially compared to my circle of friends, fun times as you can imagine.
But a conversation that i want to start is what the possibilities of falling in love are like for a woman like myself, what I would have to compromise and whether Im willing to do all that so I can have somebody to do the life thing with, or at least, weekly visits with. I havent met the one yet but in the meantime I am meeting a lot of right nows and when its good? Life changing
A couple of months ago i got on my dating app and swiped on a profile of somebody who had one word as a bio {Cuddling (As a rule of thumb, i tend to avoid bios of people who have too many words in them, I read through it and imagining the person talking nonstop (lol) so when I matched with him i hoped he would be a pleasant surprise and im pleased to say that he was and continues to be. for what its worth, i have to mention how much better the sex is getting with age, I dont know if its a tie between ,confidence, a near death experience, disability and toys and whatever else but I learnt of the word “petite morts” in 2021 which according to google means “loss of conciousness/ small death” and on saturdays I meet my nerd and I experience small deaths the entire day with him.
Spending time with each other naked means we learn so much more about each other, intentional or otherwise, I remember when he was recovering on the floor after one of our sessions and sitting naked with each other with our legs intertwined, heartbeats racing and flushed from orgasming so many times Im sometimes afraid I will die in his arms from pure pleasure, something so intimately intense and consensual and consistent.
Casual sex is one of those hotly debated conversations, well at least once a month there is a ask about the benefits or not of having casual sex and i always have a for casual sex opinion, its because of casual sex that Ive had my body come back to me. this is my 6th year as a disabled woman, its not an easy existence in this ableist and inaccessible world but Im glad to be able to live and like people who like me back enough to want ot get naked with me, yes I find myself disclosing how i got disabled, it helps in bed when peolple are afraid that i will break when they toss me around in bed (i havent yet) and finding somebody who is committed to your pleasure is an experience that often makes me reflect on on the past relationships i have had and the lovers ive had and its hard not to get pissed because if somebody who has not heart in the game can bring that kind of sexual energy, why cant the people who sore they loved me do the same? See why i like my weedman, he keeps me from thinking too much about what i thought was love at some point in my life, turning the age that I am and learning how to define love and what it is supposed to look like,
Until then, my saturdays are occupied with my french speaking Black lover who cradles and rocks me while bringing me to orgasm, I think about the last time I was with him and my chest fills up with butterflies & I get nauseous from anticipation, seeing my life flash before my eyes while Im cumming turns me into puddy in his hands every single time he touches me.
When i tell people im having the sex of my life, Im glad im here but i cant help but wonder what the other version of me, the able bodied one before this, i wonder what she would be compromising without knowing that there is better out there . So now Im listening to a lot of music via google translate, french is an interesting language, for lack of a better word.