I was lying in bed with my lover, legs crossed over his with my fingers scratching through his scalp when we started talking about age, I dont remember how we started but I remember how I had to start counting my age using my hands and because my brain wasnt computing, I reached for my calculator and checked, Im really a *whispers* middle aged woman.
I dont know what I thought 39 would look or feel like, growing up I lived through depression so I just thought it was all a lucky break, i had a difficult mother to survive and she never spoke positively to me, I believed everything she said about me of course and till today I still catch myself wondering who is talking to me when Im being hard on myself.
Anyway, so here I am, 39yrs old, unemployed single mother with a joke of a love life (I love my love life btw) and I know that socially and materially Im considered a failure by many, but my late friend used to tell me that her things started making sense in her early forties, it gives me a bit of faith in myself and it keeps me going. \
Im a great mother, I think, a decent friend and a so so partner but overall I think Im a decent person, I havent aged out of being that and there are worse ways to be.
I also have potential to be a sugar mama, i used to talk about older women, Im the older woman now, lol life comes fast.
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