im sitting at my favourite hang out spot, watching the seaside and the world go by.
40
I didnt think id live long enough to see this age, my family has long life span but because I i started running away at 12/13, i never knew that Id get to an age where I felt safe enough to stop running, here is 40.
Running away is so second nature to m that even when I had no reason to think of running, I had started imagining things id have to put up with while running, even when my last serious long relationship ended, i was planning on leaving, i had found a house already, without my ex, then disability struck.
When my landlord emailed me about my rent going up, the only thing that kept me from doing an urgent search for an apartment was knowing that the chances of me getting anything as accessible would be impossible, so I bit down and agreed to the rent increase (lol options)
Im tired of running and uncertainty and for my 40th birthday, I am going to give myself more of a benefit of a doubt, i might not know what tomorrow will bring but I have a place to sleep everynight and food security comes and goes but Im never truly without. Its okay that its not going well but its not the end of the world. Im safe, im here.
I had my daughter at 23, she calls me a teenage mother and i dont disagree with her but I had her to save myself, if she wasnt here, there would be no reason to wake up and exist for me and she taught me to love myself, to be the best i can be for her and i am still good enough, things didnt go as planned with our plans and I will gladly spend the rest of my life making up for falling short on her.
she is here to live her life and my burdens are not for her to carry, I dont want her to grow up and have to reparent herself like Im having to do so, even at 40.
The other thing Im learning on my journey to 40 is that love can come in different forms and its okay to ask for the kind of love i want and I feel i deserv.
I’ve learning to do my best with what I can control in my immediate circumstances & I’m still working on believing that I deserve & am worthy of whatever I dream of.
I didn’t imagine I’d see 40 and when I did, I didn’t imagine that I’d be a Disabled Woman who talks to others about pleasure and its considered something worth knowing. Losing my agency forced me to find myself again & it’s a more grown up journey this time around.
The 40s are considered a second teenage hood, with better experiences, some money and some sense of self. So things that might have phased us in our teens, come around & if we are lucky enough to have worked through our issues, we handle everything better. I’m assuming.
I’m excited rather than afraid, my losing my job and having to literally beg for sustenance while fighting a life altering lawsuit that I hope will be over by may 2024, almost broke me but I’ve also learnt that I can have bad days but getting up and making a cup of coffee can make everything feel less stressful. I’m grateful to everyone who has reached out in every shape and form, the internet proved again that I might not have a strong blood connection but I definitely have a solid community and my sky doesn’t always have to fall.
I was let down by people who brought me into this world & I’ve had my own failures when it comes to parenting my daughter however I hope that by the time my life ends, I will be telling more success stories on how better of a mother I became to my daughter instead of dealing with what I’m currently dealing with, with my parents.
Enough about the drama, I live in my favorite city in the world, my health has never been better, the sex is mind blowing and the pleasures of food still make me burst into tears at how beautiful it can be.
Something about almost dying & losing one of your primary functions must play into how much more sensitive one gets because I’ve also never been a bigger cry baby. But mostly about good things.
I can only hope that the new year brings me prosperity, healthy friendships and a pet. Some money would be nice so I can start dreaming of my car properly.
See you soon.
P.s im working on putting a laptop on laybuy because this one I’m using, I can only have 1 app open at a time if I wish to get anything. My writing is suffering but I will fix it soon.
To 40
I’m far from where I thought I’d be but Im FAAAARRRR that where I thought I’d end up